Ways to improve listening in the workplace and outside of it.
This scenario at a job or outside of work can be quite common:
A person is talking to a group of “listeners” and members in the group are either glued to their phones or typing away on their laptop, a few are honestly taking notes. As I glance around I see splintered digital conversations everywhere and wonder, “Is anyone actually listening?” This scene can easily spill into one’s personal life as well. I once went on a date with a guy who stared endlessly at his phone, for “work” he said.
The problem of surface listening could be the reason behind a lot of the problems we often complain about.
Q: Why are there so many meetings?
A. Perhaps listening and asking questions previously might have limited them.
Q: “Why do I feel like I’m not heard or respected?”
A. Because people rarely take the time to learn and listen about others’ backgrounds and areas of expertise. Many occupations have a can-you-do-this-for-me kind of culture. Learning about a person is what you do over drinks or coffee (when there’s time) or in quick five-minute introductions when everyone is just trying to remember everyone’s name. But how many of us have taken the time to do this?
I’ve spent considerable time thinking about this issue in my career, as a student, former professor and journalist. A little spring cleaning compelled me to write on the topic. Here’s a snippet of an interview I did 20 years ago at my college newspaper on this very issue:
Since then, I’ve experimented with different ways of making others feel heard and respected when I’m approached or in meetings.
Listening Tips
- Stop what you’re doing, if you physically can, and make eye contact with the person speaking. Really listen to the question being asked and then, right then, answer it, offer a suggestion or respectfully ask the person if you could get back to him or her after you complete the thing you are doing — and do so (I write myself reminder notes to do so.) The whole talk-to-me-while-I’m-typing thing can be seen as disrespectful to some, regardless of your occupation. I say this as a journalist, where typing is what we do.
- Take a pen and notepad to a meeting instead of your phone or laptop (unless that’s absolutely necessary). Perhaps, if you are the meeting maker, say this in the email invite: “No phones or laptops please.” Stripped of your digital devices, make more eye contact and listen, and (gulp) even ask a question. I regularly get told after meetings, “I had that question, too.” You’re only helping others, and yourself, by asking it.
- Ask a person whom you interact with regularly, or others, out for coffee, lunch or drinks to learn about him or her. There’s nothing more flattering then telling a person, genuinely, “I’d like to learn more about your background and your job.” This is what builds respect in a workplace. And with respect comes the breaking down of walls.
- Show someone is being heard by replying to emails and messages as promptly as you can. Take the time to reply, even if it’s a “Thank you for the email.” or “Got this. Thank you.” Group emails usually come with the assumption that someone will respond. Stand up and be that someone if you know the answer, have the authority to answer or have a suggestion. Don’t you like your own emails answered? Return the courtesy.
I should have prefaced this essay by saying I am in no way perfect, especially with email. I sometimes cut people off mid-sentence because my excitement for what they are saying takes over, and that, too, is rude. So I am a work in progress. Also, I acknowledge that the above tips aren’t new ideas. But they are worth repeating and remembering.
When it comes down to the basics of communication, listening to a person and having them feel genuinely heard and respected is right up there with breathing, in my opinion. If we boil down what life is about in the simplest of terms, it’s really about building and growing relationships, of any kind. This essay is a small reminder of how to do that.
